It has been over a month since my last post. My apologies dear friends. It’s been a bit of a juggling act since Eva’s birthday. I was busy planning her birthday party as we went back to the East Coast to celebrate with our families and friends. Plus juggling work, traveling for work, mommy and wifey duties, etc… Sigh. I’ve missed you all. I really have. I’ve missed writing. I’m constantly thinking of blog post ideas and have a few drafts posted, but I haven’t really had the time to sit down and write. When I do, I’m just EXHAUSTED. Plus I hate posting something that’s not 100% (something about being a perfectionist Virgo I suppose).
I hope you don’t mind, but today, I’m not going to be posting about outfits or recipes or mommy tips. I want to just write and kind of give you some insight of where I’ve been the last couple of months as a working professional, mom, wife, woman, etc. I’m not complaining about anything. Just letting my thoughts out there. I’m not expecting any sympathy. I’m writing this to feel empowered and motivated. Sorry if I end up rambling. Here I go…
Next month, I’m turning (gulp) 30. I’m not scared. The number is a bit daunting, but really it’s a number. I don’t feel 30. I still think I’m relatively young. I reevaluate what I’ve done in my life and I’ve done a good amount of things. Graduate school, got a job and have progressed within the company for the last 8 years, travel to Europe, Morocco, and Fiji for work and for pleasure, move to the other side of the country with the love of my life where we started our own family, etc. It’s a lot. My personal life is amazing, ABUNDANT and FRUITFUL. I am so blessed with my husband, Eva, mom, sister, and in laws (who are so so good to me. I’m blessed with such a welcoming family.)
But with that said, sometimes I have career envy. I get a bit jealous of some friends who have done decently when it comes to their careers and are well off. But then I remind myself there may be trade offs like longer work hours. Recently, I’ve been reevaluating my career. I’ve been asking myself “What’s next?” Actually, it’s not lately, I’ve been asking myself this since having Eva. But it feels like I’ve been reflecting on this a lot more recently because my work travel (which isn’t that often, maybe 5 days every 2 months on average) is getting to me. I miss my family TERRIBLY when I’m on the road. I’m not expecting to have an epiphany. I know the answer to my question won’t happen overnight, but I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. It’s a bit harder making some career moves now, with a baby, than before, when it was just me or just the two of us. I really shouldn’t say harder but there are things you need to think about you didn’t have to before. There are things you need to compromise on. It’s no longer just my decision. Things like how will daycare work with the commute? How will Eva’s schedule be affected with a commute? How will our family time and our husband and wife time be affected? Let me step back and say I’m somewhat of a traditional wife. Things like having dinner ready before the hubs comes home (luckily I work from home but it doesn’t always happens) are a bit important to me. Yes, somewhat 50’s of me, but that’s how I was raised. And that may be a separate post on the modern wife versus the traditional wife.
So my internal dilemma, as it was almost a year ago, is… Do I want to be a stay at home mom? If so, is it possible? And bless my husband, he would support me if I chose to, but I can’t have him bear that financial burden. Not right now at least. Well, if I can’t, now what? I’ve been doing what I’ve been doing for the last 8 years and it’s not that I don’t like what I’m doing, but I’m looking for something different. Maybe doing the same thing just a different industry? Or maybe do something totally different? Maybe go back to school? Go back to school for something related in my field? To compete with the rest of these techy people in the bay area? Or go back to school for something that is completely unrelated and start my own business (I’ve toyed around with the idea of nutritionist or natural foods chef)? Maybe. I’m trying to answer the ultimate question. How do I find that work life balance? Is there such a thing? Or is it an ideology that I’m giving too much weight to? I always find it helpful reading Jo’s posts about work life motherhood balance. I don’t feel so alone in my thoughts.
But the one thing that I have realized while writing here for the last 3 years is that I have somewhat of a creative side. I was always a crafty child growing up, but not creative. If that makes sense. I always wrote down my feelings when I was angry or upset as an outlet because you can only talk so much (a journal if you may). After all the talking, I felt that if I wrote it down I’d release my anger. Sometimes forget. Sometimes not. What’s weird is that, I never thought I wrote well. I knew my writing was alright, but it wasn’t the best. But since blogging, I’m relatively proud of how I’ve found my voice when writing, which has made me realize I want to do something that’s part of a creative process. But how to get there and what exactly are still questions on my mind. Maybe this is the answer to it all. Blogging. Maybe if I dedicate more time to my passion, my passion and my profession will one day collide. Maybe not. The two will remain separate for now… but maybe… who knows. In the meantime, it’s back to figuring out professionally what next. And I don’t have the answer but I’m slowly discovering it little by little. I won’t have it figured out by my birthday and I’m in no rush to. My family supports me regardless and love me for the mom, wife, daughter, and sister I am. That’s all I could ask for.