Momma Diaries – Away

As I’m typing this it’s been a little over 12 hours since I got on a plane to go to Arizona for a work trip.  It’s the first time I’ve been away from my family since Eva was born.  Yes, the most I’ve been away from the two loves of my life has been a mere 4-5 hours.  I have yet to be away from them overnight.  Last night, I was definitely crying a bit.  Then again this morning as I was saying bye to her.  I’ve been okay since then and I think I will be (we’ll see what happens after I video chat with them later.  it could change), but I’m definitely still sad leaving them for 4 1/2 days.  I feel torn.  Obviously, I have to be here because traveling is a part of my job and bills need to be paid, but I miss my daughter and husband SO MUCH.  Mommy duties go beyond the constant love and affection.  I have to do my share financially to put a roof over our head, pay for the electricity to keep us warm or even put food on the table.  But mommy guilt is getting the best of me.  And Eva’s too young to remember that mommy left her for a week, but hopefully she’ll appreciate in the future what I’m doing for her/us.  Although that day may not happen until she’s an adult and has her own kids.  I only know now how difficult it was for my dad to go on a ship for 6 months to be able to provide for our family.  Your parents didn’t just say “Wait til you have kids” to just randomly yell at you.  The saying really does click the day you have kids.  Hmph!  And even though I have this mommy guilt, I have to say (with a guilty conscience because I feel like it’s bad to say) it actually feels nice to be away.  But for the reason that I get to dress up and be around grown ups in an office setting, as opposed to being in my PJs and yoga pants talking to Eva.  Her nanny and the hubs provide great conversation, but at least I can talk face to face with my coworkers regarding work related issues.  I think I like the dressing up part the most.  😛  What a girl!  Is that awful to say?  I’m okay with being away because I get to be someone other than Eva’s mommy?  I get to be me?  Perhaps that’s what I need right now?  Perhaps its not?  We shall see after this work week.

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