I’ve taken a bit of a hiatus. Lots going on in our household. From my in laws coming to visit, to the husband going back to work, to my mom coming out here last minute as we interview nannies. All that, on top of working full time with a pretty big project going on and taking care of a growing 4 month old, it’s been kind of crazy. BUT they’re all good changes. But these days changes require a bit more adjusting to than if it were just the hubs and I. I wanted to share a couple parenthood/motherhood thoughts I’ve had since Eva’s arrival. I know I’m not alone with what I’m going to say.
Working from home can be hard sometimes. Eva is in the next room and I get easily distracted by her (She’s just too cute and adorable! I just want to play with her all day). I try to stay in the room and ignore her cries (which make me feel like an awful mother) and/or cuteness, but I give in. I know I could work outside the house, but I get lazy to get ready some days (which isn’t that hard when you’re up in the middle of the night changing or nursing a baby). Plus finding somewhere to pump in public isn’t the easiest thing to do. (I would rather not pump in my car or the bathroom.) And then the biggest reason for not working outside of the house (even if it’s as close as the business room downstairs), I miss her. I’m sure almost every working parent or any parent that’s away from their child for a period of time feels this way. I know if I worked in an office, I’d still feel awful leaving her. But even though I work from home (where I’m required to have a full-time caregiver while I’m working) and can see her during the day, I struggle with a constant inner battle. Should I continue working full time? Work part time? Not work at all? Or not work and go back to school for something else that I can be passionate about? These are all questions I constantly ask myself. Ultimately, I think my happy medium would be to take time off and care for Eva up until 9 months or so. Then eventually start working part time and care for Eva during my days off. And I’m sure at some point all this will happen. Along with deciding whether or not I want to go back to school. But the reality is that right now bills need to be paid and I want to contribute to our family both financially and emotionally. It breaks my heart having something else take me away from my daughter (and husband). Although working full time means providing for our family. One day she’ll understand that a working mom is just as loving and nurturing as a stay at home mom.
I know at some point I’ll want to have time away from my daughter, but right now, I want to spend my days with her. I want to be there for every milestone. Even though that’s not physically possible. Call me an obsessive mother. Whatever. I’m still struggling to find that balance between work-life, which in America can be laughable at times. I know there’s a common misconception that when you work from home you can do whatever you want and have such a flexible schedule. Quite contrary. I have a set time I have to be online to answer staff or my manager’s questions along with getting my own project work done. Sometimes, I can squeeze in time to get food into the oven or a load of laundry done, but I’m still working a full day and am burnt out like any mother or father by the time I put my baby down at 8:00 pm.
Perhaps I find the need to write this because I’m going on a work trip next month for the work week (Monday through Friday) and am constantly anxious about leaving her. I haven’t been away from her since she was born for no more than 4 hours (maybe 5 but I think that’s a bit of a stretch), so I’m nervous, torn, anxious, etc. You get the idea. Anyhow, I know I’m not alone with these thoughts, but I figured I’d share them. I love my daughter. I knew I’d love my child unconditionally when we found out I was pregnant, but I didn’t think I’d feel such an overwhelming nurturing love. It’s an amazing feeling and just impossible to describe. Everything I do, I do for her and my husband. They are my world. And no matter what I decide to do, I know I’ll get through it with them by my side.